It is a truth universally acknowledged by almost everyone that professional wrestling is a metaphor for life. Thus, since wrestling is a metaphor for life, and since baseball is a metaphor for life, then by the transitive property wrestling is a metaphor for baseball.
Got all that, genius?
You see, in baseball, as in wrestling, there are babyfaces, heels, and jobbers. If you’re unfamiliar with this terminology, I’m deeply disappointed in you, and may God have mercy on your soul. But to help explain it, I’ll mix the metaphor and drop some Star Wars on your ass:
Faces: The good guys, like Luke Skywalker and Yoda.
Heels: The bad guys, like Darth Vader before he went all pussy.
Jobbers: The inconsequential Storm Troopers who are only there to make the faces and heels look good.
So who are baseball’s faces, heels, and jobbers?
Baseball faces: The all-time biggest face would probably be Babe Ruth, although his heelish tendencies might have been suppressed by the media. Today, biggest face honors likely go to Albert.
Baseball heels: There’s quite a lot to choose from – Ty Cobb, Hal Chase, the 1919 Black Sox, Pete Rose. Barry Bonds is easily the biggest heel going today.
Baseball jobbers: The sad, simple truth is that, at any time, 90% of major leaguers are jobbers. Noteworthy jobbers, if that isn’t an oxymoron, include Mario Mendoza, the Patron Saint of Baseball Jobbers.
Not everyone fits into these three categories, though. Some blur the lines.
Heelish faces: This is Alex Rodriguez’s lot at the moment. Much like John Cena, MLB tries to push A-Rod as The Man, but fans just love to hate him. The sooner everyone accepts that, the better.
Face-ish heels: “Stone Cold” Steve Austin practically invented this role. Not “good guys” by deed, they still get applause from fans who appreciate their willingness to kick just about anyone’s ass. Reggie Jackson and Roger Clemens come to mind.
Heelish jobbers: What the Brooklyn Brawler was to the WWF, Craig Counsell is to MLB. Take your stupid batting stance and your stupid face and get the hell out of here!!1!
Face-ish jobbers: Cardinals fans in particular love themselves some face-ish jobbers. Tell me that David Eckstein and Crash Holly don’t look like they could be brothers. Bo Hart, Stubby Clapp, and Joe McEwing also qualify. You don’t have to be white to be a face-ish jobber, but it doesn’t hurt. Does it ever?